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| Of Miscreants and Bidees |
| 06.16.04 (3:53 am) [edit] |
It was a day of firsts. One good, one disturbing.
I started a new school this week, and have been riding my bike every day. It`s a long ride - about 10km, mostly uphill (it`s closer to the foothills of Mt. Fuji), but it`s cheaper than transit, and besides, it`s a great workout.
I had to teach two new Circle classes for the first time today. Basically, they`re pre-pre-preschool classes, where once a month moms bring their really young kids to get an introduction to the school. Thankfully I had a Japanese teacher there to assist me, because these kids were really young. Like, the youngest was 6 months old, and the oldest was about 2.
Yikes.
Fortunately, they were pretty good. They obviously don`t care about learning English at that age, and were more interested in eating crayons and crawling over each other. An interesting aspect of Japanese culture did come in to play, however, that I only noticed due to the parents being present.
A co-worker told me that some parents take a very lax perspective on disciplining kids. In fact, and I quote, `some see them as little gods - they can do no wrong,` and indeed a lot of discipline seems to come from the teachers at school (which explains some of the behavioural problems). Most of the time this isn`t a big issue - for us, anyway - as they are so young and they are constantly being watched, so they won`t get into that much trouble. Most of the time.
One kid today, however, was committing some, shall we say, questionable activities. More to the point, he was trying to staple his worksheet to his mother`s hand. And the mom, thinking he`s a darling little prince, keeps moving the stapler away, and the little guy goes and grabs it again, persisting in his stapling-attempts. This goes on for several minutes, and eventually the mom looks up and says, with a great big grin, `He keeps trying to staple it to my hand...I guess he doesn`t want me to leave without his beautiful picture.`
No. He keeps trying to staple it to your hand because he wants to see a piece of sharp metal sticking out of your flesh. Because he`s a malicious little miscreant.
I know I`m a bit harsh, but I can`t look at these kids and NOT imagine what they`ll be like when they grow up. Usually you can spot them main demographics - the keeners, the troublemakers, the quiet ones. And the evil ones.
I can hardly wait until the twerp gets to his teens and he turns into one of those sadistic little creepazoids who get their kicks out of pouring cyanide into duck ponds and torturing family pets with BB guns. And his mom will still make excuses. `Oh, no, he was aiming for the pop cans. Fluffy just jumped in the way. All nine times.`
Okay, okay, so I don`t really mean it - I`m being deliberately facetious and cynical. Anyway, the classes went well, and nobody was seriously injured (although the aforementioned little bundle of joy did belt one girl over the head with a wooden block).
My other first today was much less...notable. I had my first run-in with a bidee.
Now, normally I wouldn`t really make it a point to describe such an event, but the circumstances surrounding the incident demand documentation.
I had stopped at this little restaurant on the ride home from work, pretty much a Denny`s-esque diner. After ordering, I went in to use the washroom. Now, I touched briefly on the Star Trek imagery used in some of these toilets, what with the buttons and the control panel and all. But I had never been adventurous enough to try it. Until today.
So, from the safety of the other side of the stall, I slowly pressed one of the buttons. Nothing happens. I try them all - nothing. Oh, well - must be broken, thinks I. So I sit. And whilst sitting, my hand wanders almost subconsciously to the control panel, and I idly press a button.
Now, I`m assuming there is some kind of sensor that can tell if someone is sitting on the toilet or not, that wasn`t triggered upon my first attempts. It was now, and I had switched it on. And this was not some piddly little water-fountain I had managed to turn on. Oh no, no, no.
I don`t know what weirdo was in there before me, but that spray of water was set to HIGH for both temperature and pressure. In terms of temperature, I mean, only a bit below scalding. In terms of pressure...you know those really big water-guns that come out in Wal-Mart about this time of year? Like the Super Soaker Extreme B5200, with the dual water tanks and like 500 psi? That`s the kind of water pressure we`re dealing with, folks.
I yelled. I admit it, I shrieked like a school girl. But I have to say that I learned on this day that there are few things more scream-provoking in this life than an unexpected jet of super-hot-water up the rear-end. I think the cook heard me in the kitchen - he probably thought I had some weird intestinal disorder, because there seemed to be an awful lot of lettuce on my dinner plate when it was served.
Anyway, so here I am, hot water up the wazoo, and I start to panic. I mean, it`s not a pleasant feeling, but I don`t want to just jump up because I`m sure the water will hit the ceiling and flood the whole bloody restroom. And that would be embarassing. So I start pressing buttons frantically, trying anything to stop this high-pressured water.
Thankfully, the water stops. In its place I get...the dryer. You got it, folks - these toilets have an air-dryer. And that was better than the water, but again, some freakazoid had cranked up all the levels, and what I got was like superheated air coming out of an industrial air-compressor. Now I know what a tire feels like.
I eventually got the whole bloody thing switched off, and got out of that washroom as quickly as possible. Quite an adventure, but not one I`d care to repeat anytime soon. I have two friends, Mardy and James, who are coming to Asia in the next few weeks. And I have some words of wisdom for you two:
Don`t randomly push buttons on control panels next to toilets.
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posted by: Carolyn (reply)
post date: 06.16.04 (10:18 am)
I think that's the first time I've actually laughed out loud while reading someone's blog....congratulations. you have moved up many points in the best blog competition
posted by: Mardy (reply)
post date: 06.16.04 (3:04 pm)
HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
That was a really good entry. And I will definitely learn from your unfortunate yet adventurous misfortunes....
posted by: Chris Maddocks (reply)
post date: 06.19.04 (9:39 pm)
That was precious. I too had a good laugh... I'm looking forward to my American Standard toilet.
Keep up the blog, amigo.
posted by: Chris Maddocks (reply)
post date: 06.19.04 (9:58 pm)
Wanting to empathise with you a little bit more, I did a Google search... it seems you're not alone in your experience, Cam :)
http://www.theplumber.com/japan.html
posted by: cambjohnson (reply)
post date: 06.28.04 (6:39 pm)
That`s hilarious, Chris...see? I`m not just incompetant.
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